Assertiveness and Communication – Achievement Dynamics

Associated Handouts

Ice Breaker

Name a time you should have been more assertive.

Mission of Workshop

We all know what people in the Stone Age did when they wanted another piece of meat: they yanked it away from their weaker cave mates.

In the Victorian era, people bowed, scraped, and only hinted at their hunger—until they were near starvation.

What about modern citizens? Are they aggressive brutes or passive procrastinators?

If they’re truly creatures of today, they’re working on a technique somewhere in between: assertiveness—balancing between aggression and passivity. Walking that social tightrope takes understanding of human behavior, both yours and others’.

I. Aggressively Seeking Power

What Does It Mean to Be Aggressive?

Webster’s dictionary defines aggressive as forceful, hostile, or destructive.

Examples:

Pushing your way to the front of the movie line
Punching someone who accidentally bumps into you
In extreme cases: road rage, parking space shootings, or territorial violence

Is It Ever Good to Be Aggressive?

Sometimes, yes. When dealing with a bully, aggression may be the only way to get them to back off. Calling their bluff can defend your rights and prevent fiercer confrontations.

As a locker room slogan says:
“The best defense is a good offense.”

II. Taking a Pass on Passivity

What Does It Mean to Be Passive?

The dictionary defines passive as lacking energy or will, without resistance.

Examples:

Saying nothing when a clerk ignores you for someone else, even though you were first
Doing nothing when your neighbor “borrows” your car without permission

Is It Ever Good to Be Passive?

Yes. Passivity can be smart and strategic:

1. Self-Preservation

If you’re in an accident and the other driver is drunk and aggressive, staying quiet may be the safest choice.

2. Passive Resistance as Strength

History shows that passivity can be powerful:

Mahatma Gandhi counseled followers in India to remain calm when the British threatened violence. Though some were shot, the incident ultimately helped India win freedom.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. told his followers not to retaliate when police blocked them from segregated spaces. Some went to jail, but they eventually won equal access.

Passive Resistance

When used carefully, passive resistance can be more effective than aggression. But it must have purpose. Being passive out of fear, laziness, or anger is usually self-destructive.

Passive Aggression

This is a less-than-noble way of dealing with anger.

Example:
Your sister insists you type her term paper or she won’t lend you her sweater. Angry, you type all 14 pages but “accidentally” leave in dozens of typos. Rather than directly negotiating, you protest in your own way.

That’s passive-aggressive behavior: indirect resistance rooted in resentment.

III. Assertiveness

The Happy Compromise

Assertiveness is a middle path. It means:

Expressing your feelings directly
Asking for what you want
Refusing what you don’t want
Being confident without hostility or destructiveness

Assertiveness is often confused with aggression, but they’re different. Assertiveness respects both yourself and others.

Examples of Assertiveness

a. At a restaurant:

Passive: The waiter brings your burger well-done when you ordered it rare, and you say nothing.
Aggressive: You pound the table and throw the burger on the floor.
Assertive: You politely ask the waiter to bring you another burger cooked as requested.

b. At school:
If you believe your teacher graded your test too harshly and you ask to discuss it respectfully, you’re being assertive.

c. With a friend:
Your friend has owed you $8 for three weeks. You calmly remind them to repay you—that’s assertiveness.

d. Under peer pressure:
Your best friend offers you a sip from a wine bottle and calls you a baby for refusing. You say, “I have to do what’s right for me.” That’s assertive.

Assertiveness Takes Practice

It works best when you come across as confident and caring—not defensive or challenging.

If you’re starting to practice assertiveness, decide where it’s safest to begin: with friends, family, or outside relationships. Remember, this may be new behavior for those around you. Give them time to adjust.

You have the right to assert yourself and act in your own best interest. Just do it in your usual respectful way.

Communication Tip: Use “I” Instead of “You”

Never blame someone when confronting a situation. Express your feelings using “I” statements, not accusatory “You” statements.

Example:

❌ “You never listen to me.”
✅ “I feel unheard when we talk.”

Group Practice

Work through “I” vs. “You” situations with your group. Cover and expand on handouts. Practice reframing statements to be more assertive and respectful.